Class. The question we’ll be considering in today’s AI-conducted, virtual, online lecture is a modern twist on an age-old question.

What happens if two universities merge in a forest, and nobody cares? Do they make a sound?

Yes Jones? If you’d just move from the reclining position we might be able to hear you a little better.

Oh, you much prefer the original question: “If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody’s there to hear it, does it make a sound?”

To be perfectly frank, Jones, I sympathise. But sadly, our Humanities Department was gutted in the last university restructure, when all the professors and lecturers had to reapply for jobs that had been abolished, so nobody’s left to answer that conundrum.

You’re in a commerce lecture, not a classics course, so let’s stay on topic.

Perhaps it’ll help us all if I flesh the question out a little.

What if it’s an “historic” but unnecessary merger of two universities in the one city?

The city is the one we all live in – Adelaide. And the merger being proposed is between the University of Adelaide and the University of South Australia.

What’s that Jones? Whose crazy idea was this?

Good question. And that’s a first for this class.

This “historic” merger is the work of our Premier Peter Malinauskas. It’s “historic” because everything he does is “historic”. Don’t ask why, it’s just the way he rolls.

The Premier has a personal, dedicated staff of four social media experts who load videos of all his “historic” moments to TikTok.

During the week, the Malinauskas Government and the two unis signed, and (shuffles papers) let me quote from the Premier’s media release, an “historic Heads of Agreement to support the creation of a new university for the future, which would have the largest cohort of domestic students of any university in Australia when it opens in 2026”.

Sorry, Jones? How’s this merger going to work when the two universities loathe each other? Tricky one that, but the answer is surprisingly simple: the South Australian taxpayers are going to throw roughly half a billion dollars at the universities to make it happen.

Money talks, Jones. Taxpayers will fork out $300 million to create two “perpetual funds enshrined in legislation”, with $200 million for research and $100 million to support the enrolment of “students of low socio-economic groups”.

Correct Jones, “students of low socio-economic groups” are what we used to call “poor kids”.

Taxpayers will also stump up $30 million over three years for a “range of initiatives to attract international students” to the new merged university.

That’s right, they’re the rich kids.

And finally, $114.5 million is for the government to buy university land, including $64.5 million for the Magill Campus, and $50 million for the purchase of “occupation rights” for part of UniSA’s Mawson Lakes campus which the government says is “surplus to requirements”.

Have we got the money for all this, Jones? Well of course we haven’t!

The state budget is running a $240 million operating deficit this year and debt is ballooning 50 per cent to more than $37 billion within the next four years.

You’d know that if you hadn’t skipped my post-Budget lectures.

If you want to get a handle on that, you’ll need to enrol in Politics 101, third door on the right, just down the corridor. If any of you ever visit the actual university building, that is.

Where were we?

As final-year commerce students, you’d be forgiven for thinking the government had delved into microscopic detail before signing away almost half a billion dollars. But nope, you’re wrong. Historic university mergers don’t work like that, apparently.

On Monday, when David Bevan, a well-known ABC troublemaker, asked Premier Malinauskas whether he’d read the business case for the merger, the Premier said he’d only read the summaries because the business cases were, and let me find the exact quote, ah yes, “exclusively the work of the universities and is their intellectual property”.

He explained that “the business cases are the property of the universities themselves … they have naturally done their own work, this is their effort, their commercial investment not from Government”.

You see, it’s all perfectly clear, in the Premier’s mind.

He seems to be saying that South Australian taxpayers will give the new merged university $444.5 million but it’s the “commercial investment” of the university, not the taxpayers. Taxpayers just have to pick up the tab

Beg your pardon Jones? Ah, yes, don’t the universities belong to the people of this state, so why isn’t the deal the “intellectual property” of the people?

Easy mistake to make. Even I thought the universities belonged to South Australians, and I’m an adjunct professor.

But no, the Premier explained it very patiently to Bevan on Monday, while you were all sleeping off your hangovers.

He says the universities are established under state Acts of Parliament that confer a whole range of rights and obligations on the universities “but the universities’ assets, including their intellectual property, are their own”.

“Clearly, the people of South Australia have a major interest in this, as does the Government, which is why we’ve been so keen to work collaboratively with them on this,” he says.

It’d be nice if the Premier had left it at that, because it kind of makes sense in a Malinauskas World kind of way.

But when InDaily’s Thomas Kelsall, another troublemaker, asked him why the government’s timing meant the news was emailed to all staff from both universities on a Saturday night – just after it told the media – he got tetchy.

“Well, what time would suit you better?”, he snipped.

When Kelsall politely reminded the Premier that even the vice-chancellors had regretted the timing, and that business hours might have been the go, the Premier said “this is actually an announcement for the future of South Australia”.

“And the way I see it, the stakeholders are the 1.7 million South Australians who care about the future of our state and they all deserve to have an understanding of what this endeavour is,” he expanded.

Jones? Yes, yes, the Premier seems to be making a ridiculous argument that the universities don’t belong to the people but the people are the “stakeholders” and the people deserve to understand what this endeavour is, although without the benefit of the business case because that is the intellectual property of the universities.

And yes, right now, many of those 1.7 million South Australians are more interested in paying their mortgages, childcare fees, and power bills, and quite a few are wheeling trolley loads of food out of supermarkets without paying because they can’t afford to feed their kids.

The “historic” merger is probably rating a big fat zero with most of them.

Alright Jones, if you want to take that up at the next meeting of Marxists on Campus, go your hardest. We must wrap up.

One final thing before we tackle the opening question.

The University of Adelaide once changed its name to Adelaide University but then changed it back to The University of Adelaide because it sounded smarter. Now the new merged university will be called (checks notes), ah yes, Adelaide University.

Now, if two universities merge in a forest, and nobody cares, do they make a sound?

Yeeesss Jones. They do make a sound? What sound, Jones?

The sound of one hand clapping?

Precisely. Excellent work, Jones.

Matthew Abraham is InDaily’s political columnist. Matthew can be found on Twitter as @kevcorduroy. It’s a long story.