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The Outsider: Sexy sports and pampered tots

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This week, forget lingerie football, here are the sexy sports Adelaide should be hosting; the gift for the boy who’s got everything; and who doesn’t love a good golf joke?

Fancy pants

Lovers of lingerie football fired up yesterday about this critical piece by David Washington, the editor of this upright online organ. They called him a nanny state hack, a Victorian era wowser, a bad writer and a controversialist.

As an act of penance – and to show that we’re not all prudes here at InDaily – we’ve come up with a list of other sexy sporting events that South Australia should be attracting to our government-supported facilities. Events that you, lingerie football lovers, should really enjoy (although a couple of them may be too cerebral).

Fruit and vegetable fondling

The world’s best fruit and vege fondlers would bring their nimble fingers to the Central Market to compete in five classes – Cucumber (heirloom), Cucumber (continental), Banana (any variety), Rockmelon (two-handed), and the marquis event – the ‘One-handed dual plum fondle’.

Competition depilation

A massive sport in Japan, attracting the regional champs here will solve two problems – Adelaide’s surfeit of hairy-backed men, and the under-utilisation of the Entertainment Centre’s ‘in-the-round’ configuration.

World Masters pole-dancing

We wouldn’t have a hope of attracting the ‘open’ champs, but the oldies should happily come here. Imagine Rymill Park festooned with a forest of stainless-steel poles, specially modified for extra grip and in complete compliance with aged care regulations? And then imagine these poles at the centrifugal heart of a twirling, gyrating, fake-tanned and leathery flock of sexy septuagenarians, octogenarians and nonagenarians both keeping fit and stimulating our optic nerves. Events SA would be trembling at the economic multiplier effect.

Imagine the world's most skilled hands wrapped around our world-class produce?

Imagine the world’s most skilled hands wrapped around our world-class produce?

It beggars belief

In a week in which our friends at The Advertiser have been debating whether it’s a good idea to give small change to street beggars, comes news that Prince George is to be given a toy truck laden with opals when he and his mum and dad visit SA.

The gift, donated by a Coober Pedy company, is reportedly worth $5000.

We’re sure the little chap will appreciate it (although our first thought was “choking hazard much?”).

And would it be nasty to point out that a $5000 donation to World Vision Australia would “help provide enough life-saving food to feed 6000 people for one month in a food distribution program”?

Dumb test

Crows and Port fans have registered varying measurements on the North Adelaide Golf Course’s not-so-smart meter.

The course’s south 18 layout is adjacent to Adelaide Oval and the club’s Saturday players had been expecting some intrusions onto the course as fans arrived at or departed from the Oval.

Officials were on hand to guide fans to safer routes – lest they be hit by a wayward drive or fairway shot.

The Showdown, a Port home game, went off without a hitch – barely a single fan was seen.

“Very few came via the northern end of The Oval,” one member told The Outsider. “It was very orderly.”

Get off the course, Crows fans!

Get off the course, Crows fans!

The Crows-Sydney clash, however, produced a different result.

“They were like Brown’s cows after the game, walking down the 16th fairway with their backs to the players driving off the 16th tee.

“Then there were the very lost – they found their way onto the 17th and then down to the junction of the 1st and 2nd second fairways.

“One woman had a hooked drive miss her by a couple of metres.

“The Crows fans registered very high readings on the not-so-smart meter.”

It reminded The Outsider of the husband and wife golf pairing who were playing on the 9th green when suddenly she collapsed from a heart attack.

The husband called 000 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stared at him.

“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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