As almanacs go, Keith Martyn’s South Australian Almanac had a mighty fine run.

Every year without fail, from 1985 to 2009, the modest publication was on the shelves of all good newsagents just in time for Christmas.

It was the perfect stocking-stuffer, as Keith guided us through the four seasons with a grab-bag of facts, advice, tips, cautions and forecasts, from when to plant your tomatoes, to sunrises and sunsets, phases of the moon and tide times for Outer Harbor and Ardrossan.

For millennials, almanacs are what people had before Google.

And for visitors from the Planet Zork, who may not be familiar with the Legend of Keith, he was the ramrod-straight, no-funny-business weather presenter on Adelaide’s nightly TV news – mostly remembered for his long stint at Channel 9 – for a remarkable 27 years until his retirement from the small screen in 2007.

In the early ’70s, wide-eyed cadet journalists at The Advertiser would spend a few months assigned to the group’s rural publication, The Chronicle, or The Chron as we knew it – a noble newspaper now consigned to fish and chip wrapper history.

Everyone who worked for The Chron seemed impossibly tall and deadly serious. The editor back then was the late, great Jim McCarter and I once made the mistake of calling him Jim.

“It’s Mr McCarter until told otherwise,” he informed me. Fair cop.

That’s where I first encountered Keith, a senior journalist at The Chron, a formidable presence in the flesh. His veins flowed with black ink, so I remember the shock when word spread through the Tiser’s old Waymouth Street offices that Keith was going to be Seven’s new TV weatherman. He never looked back. Nor, one suspects, did his bank balance.

His almanac was a natural fit and wildly popular. It even has its own entry in the National Library of Australia’s vast catalogue.

The hard-working editorial team at the satirical online newspaper the Adelaide Mail – billed as “South Australia’s other fake news source” – recently heralded the return of the Keith Martyn Almanac for this Christmas. They reported that the “Prince of Pascals” had once again accurately summarised South Australian circumstances with two expletives.

Sadly, they’re pulling our legs. Besides, the real Keith would never be so vulgar.

But it’s clear South Australia is yearning for an almanac, even those who have never experienced the joy of reading words printed in ink on paper.

So here is your exclusive, sneak peek at a few key chapters of Kevin Corduroy’s South Australian Almanac 2023, a brand-new almanac, for a brand-new generation, navigating these uncertain times.

Politics. The year ahead will be pretty much like the year just gone, only marginally worse.

Premier Peter Malinauskas will continue to tweet photographs of himself, never wearing a mask, with hands either fully outstretched, or partially closed as if in prayer.

In February, the Department of Premier and Cabinet will release its range of “Mali Merch”, an affordable collection of pens, coffee mugs, stationery, bucket hats and tank tops with the Premier’s image on them, in full colour. All money raised will go toward paying for the Robbie Williams concert at next year’s Adelaide 500.

Liberal leader David Speirs will continue to look decidedly uncomfortable in suit and tie but with any luck will still be leader by Christmas 2023.

Former Liberal Premier Steven Marshall will quit politics at 1.45 p.m. on June 21. The Liberals will lose the by-election for his now marginal seat of Dunstan.

It will be won by a surprise independent candidate, CFMEU boss John Setka, whose credibility was enhanced after inexplicably, and laughably, making No. 5 in The Advertiser’s Power 50 list.

Setka will accept an offer to serve as Industrial Relations Minister in the Malinauskas Cabinet.

Sport: In a shock move for any AFL team, the Port Adelaide Football Club will repay state and federal taxpayers the $18m million in cash it received for its alleged “redevelopment” at Alberton.

The club will explain that, as it is now “back in the black”, it couldn’t justify taking cash handouts from families struggling with the cost of living.

The Adelaide Crows will follow suit, repaying the $100 million it got from the Rann Government in 2008 to upgrade Footy Park, shortly before the club bulldozed it and flogged off the land for townhouses.

Crows chairman John Olsen will declare “we may fly as one, but it’s time AFL clubs stood on their own two feet”, or words to that effect.

Fishing: Don’t bother. The snapper ban will be extended until 2050.

Primary Industries Minister Clare Scriven, who after an initial experiment in the Legislative Council in 2022, now sings all her answers at press conferences, will base her decision on the best advice from her department.

This is the same department that stood by as snapper stocks were smashed by professional fishermen using long-lines, then blamed recreational fishos for the depletion of something called the “snapper biomass”.

Pro fishos will continue getting paid not to fish, trousering $5m a year in compo from taxpayers.

Transport: In September, the government will dump plans to complete the North-South corridor upgrade. Transport Minister Tom Koutsantonis will give a landmark speech asking: “Haven’t we got something better to blow $15.4 billion on?”

Ramping: In October, Health Minister Chris Picton will confess he really hasn’t got a clue how to fix the ramping crisis. “I don’t know what we were thinking,” he’ll admit. “You’ll all just have to suck it up.” He will appoint Ash the Ambo as the new CEO of the Health Department.

Tomatoes: Plant tomatoes when the soil temperature is in the 15-20°C range – the preferred growing temperature, which is around late October to mid-November.

It’s best to plant when the nighttime temperatures are about 15°C. Tomatoes prefer a pH range of 5.5 – 7. Test kits are available from garden centres.

Hold back from fertilising until the first flowers appear, and then sprinkle sulphate of potash (three tablespoons and water in, repeat each month during growing season) around the base of each plant to encourage the flowers to set into fruit.

Consider liquid fertilising approximately once every three weeks. Fish emulsion or seaweed extracts gives them a good boost.

Feed them early in the morning at about 7am, not in the heat of the day.

Due to COVID supply chain issues, the Kevin Corduroy Almanac may not be available in all retailers. Or may not arrive at all. All times and forecasts are subject to change without notice. Tomato information courtesy of the City of Salisbury. More information here.

Matthew Abraham’s weekly analysis of local politics will return to InDaily in January after a short break.

Matthew can be found on Twitter as @kevcorduroy. It’s a long story.