The following are minutes from last week’s strategy meeting between Liberal leader Steven Marshall and a key advisor.

Steven Marshall (arriving late, beaming): Good morning! Great day!

Advisor (despondently poring over the morning’s paper): Oh, hi Steven. I’m just reading the latest Newspoll.

SM: Great isn’t it!

A: Um…not really, Steven. We’re eight points down.

SM: Oh, don’t worry about that. Labor was eight points down at the election and they still won. I’m seeing this as a positive.

A: Steven, it’s a disaster. We’ve spent the past year painting the Government as illegitimate and they’re further ahead than ever. Michael Owen says your message isn’t getting through.

SM (Grins broadly): That Michael Owen is a funny guy (chuckles to himself).

A: Seriously, boss, we need to lead the agenda more.

SM: Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve been here since 3am. The early bird gets the worm and all that …

A: 3am?! What have you been doing?

SM: Um … well, I caught up on a bit of correspondence, and then I had a bit of a think about how well things were going, and then I had a meeting with Vickie. Vickie’s great. We talked about how well things were going and passed a unanimous resolution that the party was the most united it’s ever been.

A: But united in what, Steven? We need to stand for something.

SM: And we do! I’m pushing very hard for SA to take part in a trial for medical marijuana.

A: That’s great, but it’s hardly a hot-button issue is it, Steven?

SM: (long pause, then giggles uncontrollably.)

A: Um … Steven?

SM (still giggling): Steve’s not here, man!

A: (sighs) Ok. What about this afternoon?

SM: Oh, I’m having lunch with Ridgey while I wait to see what the Government’s doing today so that I can respond.

A: Look, boss, we need be more pro-active and we need to start being tougher. And that begins with our own people. We need to tell some of the old-guard it’s time to go. I saw McFetridge today saying he was hanging around because he wanted a term in Government. I thought you were going to tell him to move on?

SM: I tried to, but he said he didn’t want to.

A: Steven, voters want you to show a bit more mongrel. Like you did when Johnston made the ‘canoe’ comments. That was good,  that was strong.

SM (suddenly serious): That was hard. He’s such a great guy. You know, David Johnston was actually a great advocate for SA. So sad what happened.

A: You said he should resign!

SM: Well, you told me to say that. David’s a great guy. Maybe we should get him round for a lunch?

A: That’s another thing, boss. I think we need to find you some new mentors.

SM: What do you mean? I get great advice from a lot of very experienced people.

A: Like who?

SM: Well, I had lunch with Isobel yesterday. She’s brilliant!

A: (long pause) Anyone else?

SM: Jeff Kennett told me I should tip Hawthorn this week; can’t go wrong with Jeff’s advice!

A: At least you didn’t say Geoff Greene!

SM (shaking head): Can’t believe he left …  such a fantastic guy. What a great job he did.

A: We lost two elections!

SM: Yeah, but more people voted for us. Labor can’t say that, can they?

A: They don’t have to, they’re in Government and a mile ahead in the polls. Boss, can I level with you? Maybe you should back your own judgement a bit more. You went from the backbench to the leadership in one term. Why should you take advice from people who’ve been losing elections since I was in pre-school?

SM: You know what, you’re right! I need to be more assertive.

A: Yes, Steven!

SM: Let’s put that to a vote of the shadow cabinet.

Tom Richardson is a senior journalist with InDaily. His political column is published each Friday.