Kevin Corduroy never expected much and so was rarely disappointed.

The now-retired, superannuated public servant was happy to remain a lowly ASO1 -Administrative Services Officer Level 1 – from the day he joined the state’s public service fresh from Daws Road High until his retirement at the age of 59 years, 11 months.

That was the cut-off point to max out his super in the old CPI-indexed, defined-benefit pension scheme, the one long-since closed to new entrants, to avoid sending Treasury broke.

Or more broke than it already it is, if that’s possible.

In his long and undistinguished career, Corduroy served as a humble foot-soldier in the administrations of all 12 premiers from Dunstan to Malinauskas.

He didn’t have a favourite Premier because he rarely saw them, apart from the odd glimpse as they passed his office in the basement of the State Administration Centre on Victoria Square, on their way to the staff cafeteria.

It was more a shoebox than a proper office, a converted stationery cupboard fitted out with grey Brownbuilt shelves, a brown vinyl swivel chair and a wooden desk with a scuffed Formica top.

Legend has it the desk was once used by Premier Tom Playford but was turfed by Premier Don Dunstan when his “personal assistant”, former restaurateur John Ceruto, redecorated the Premier’s 11th-floor suite in a hippy ’70s theme.

Corduroy thought that was a grossly improper waste of taxpayers’ money, but shrugged and processed Ceruto’s invoices with his usual efficiency.

“Corduroy, you’ve always ceased to amaze me,” his departmental deputy assistant chief executive, J. C. O’Cardigan, AO, said at Corduroy’s farewell drinks at Café de Vili’s, Mile End.

She had a point.

Imagine Corduroy’s surprise, then, when an envelope with a State Admin postmark dropped into the letterbox of his neat Basket Range stone home in Burnside.

Inside was a letter personally signed by Premier Peter Malinauskas informing him that his lifetime of “unquestioning, unimaginative, rubber-stamping service deserved wider recognition as it embodied the finest traditions of the South Australian bureaucracy”.

The Premier had generously allocated $300,000 from his slush fund – otherwise known as the “special events discretionary budget” – to establish the inaugural 2023 Corduroy Awards for Questionable Excellence.

Corduroy got cracking with an enthusiasm he’d never displayed while actually working.

He rented a suite of offices in Lot Fourteen, forming a small committee of 27 like-minded superannuated public servants, all suitably remunerated for their time, to select the finalists.

A modest 12-person permanent secretariat was hired to provide research, wellness classes, food and drink – mainly Scotch Fingers and mugs of tea.

It was exhausting work but Corduroy was quietly pleased with the five finalists, and his committee’s pithy observations.

 Zoe Bettison, Tourism Minister, for services to a large retail outlet near an airport

After her ill-advised foray into “influencer” marketing, Minister Bettison has doubled down with her breathless boosterism for Harbour Town, labelling it “Adelaide’s largest and only premium outlet destination”.

If it’s the only “premium outlet destination”, doesn’t that mean it’s automatically the largest?

In a Christmas media release, Ms Bettison says “Adelaide is preparing for the biggest retail event of the year at Harbour Town; a traditionally great place for shoppers who want to enjoy incredible savings while they shop for their loved ones”.

Can you buy loved ones off the shelf at Harbour Town? Who knew?

“Visitors really love this space to start their holiday in SA or recharge before their next flight,” she says. They do? We’ll take your word for it, Minister.

The big question is why a Minister of the Crown needs to stoop to spruik the joint.  Leave that to the “Haggle, haggle, haggle” guy.

Tom Koutsantonis, Transport Minister, for services to people who litter footpaths with dead e-scooters

Extensive consultation has determined that people who use scooters like scooters. Photo: Tony Lewis/InDaily

Minister Koutsantonis is tip-toeing toward allowing e-scooters to infect our city and suburbs, claiming “South Australians have overwhelmingly supported allowing the use of private e-scooters and other personal mobility devices on local roads and paths”.

We have?

He says this follows “consultation earlier this year with private e-scooter users and the broader community”.

Of the almost 2000 respondents to a yourSAy survey, “87 per cent supported the ongoing use of e-scooters on public roads and paths”.

Sorry, not sorry, but 87 per cent of 2000 people, many of whom already use e-scooters, is hardly “overwhelming support” from South Australians.

He says “76 per cent of respondents supported riders not being required to hold a licence, while 68 per cent didn’t see a need for riders to register or insure their devices”.

To paraphrase Mandy Rice-Davies, they would say that, wouldn’t they?

Geoff Brock, Local Government Minister, for pretending anyone really cares about councils

Happily bouncing back from his three heart attacks, Brocky is showing some ticker trying to whip up voter enthusiasm for local councils.

His Local Government Participation and Elections Review is seeking “community feedback to tackle consistently low engagement” in local government elections, boasting “bold and innovative ideas” to boost voter turnout.

Brock says that roughly 100 surveys have already been completed and “early data” shows 65 per cent of respondents so far support changes to the timing of council elections.

Half support compulsory voting, 15 per cent are against the change while “the remainder have neutral views”.

Did he say 100 surveys?

Doesn’t this mean that in a state of 1.8 million people, only 100 care enough to fill out a survey on council reform?

And only 50 people support compulsory voting, 15 oppose it, and 35 couldn’t care less?

Come back to the rest of us after you’ve fixed the dopey, self-serving, wasteful behaviour of elected council members, Minister.

Steven Marshall, former Premier, for services to job-sharing

Steven Marshall taking some time out from his busy schedule to attend Parliament. Photo: Morgan Sette/AAP

Unexpectedly finding himself back where he began on the Opposition backbenches, the Liberal MP for Dunstan has been busy trying to create jobs – for himself.

Since losing the election in March last year, Marshall has been reportedly touting his wares as a corporate titan.

While a BHP board position has so far eluded him, he’s landed directorships on the boards of two outfits, including a $15,000-a-year gig for four board meetings a year with defence advisory firm MITRE.

Minister Koutsantonis has unhelpfully suggested that being an MP is meant to be a full-time job and urged Marshall to decide if he wants to be an MP or a company director.

Marshall says he is “continuing to work hard both for the people of Dunstan and in industries critical for South Australia’s future prosperity”.

His continuing hard work for the people of Dunstan has made it one of the nation’s most razor’s-edge seats, on a 0.5 pc margin.

David Speirs, Opposition Leader, for services to the rental sector

At the tender age of 39, the MP for the southern suburbs seat of Black has somehow accumulated a real estate portfolio of 13 properties, renting a few of them for handsome nightly fees on Airbnb.

That’s right. A one followed by a three. Thirteen.

At this rate, the big blue “Polites” signs that adorn the CBD will be replaced by “Speirs” billboards.

Tradies – or the “blokes in white vans” as Speirs likes to call them when drawing on their wisdom – might think 13 investment properties is a little light on.

But young couples struggling to buy their first home in Sheidow Park could be forgiven for thinking that 13 houses is 12 too many.

And the winner of the inaugural 2023 Corduroy Awards for Questionable Excellence is?

Sadly, the committee couldn’t decide and the job is now running behind time and over budget.

Extra funding has been approved for consultants from KPMG to finalise the process.

Until then, anyone for a Scotch Finger?

Matthew Abraham is InDaily’s political columnist. Matthew can be found on Twitter as @kevcorduroy

His column will return on January 19.