Jay Weatherill’s Cabinet Meeting, Monday 28 November 2016

JAY WEATHERILL: Good morning everyone.

IAN HUNTER: Morning, you f***in’ c***s.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Bit inappropriate, Ian, you f***in’ piece of s***.

IAN HUNTER: Sorry, I’m just feeling quite passionate today.

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, you are a passionate advocate for all South Australians. Well done you! Round of applause for Ian, everyone! (claps warmly)

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Hang on, you told the media I was “unprofessional”… why does Hunter get a pat on the back?

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, that’s politics, isn’t it? If you don’t understand how politics works, you probably shouldn’t be here! Speaking of which, where’s John?

They all turn around to see the Attorney-General laconically entering the meeting.

JOHN RAU: Morning everyone.

IAN HUNTER: You’re late, you useless f***.

JOHN RAU: Well, Ian, I believe I am late for this meeting, but I might be early for the next one.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Don’t give us your George Bernard Shaw routine, f***stick.

JOHN RAU: Your invective is futile, Tom, because the worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent.

IAN HUNTER: Yeah, well, if you were as passionate about South Australia as I am, you’d be on f***ing time.

JOHN RAU: I’d appreciate you addressing me from a standing position and with some decorum. I am, after all, an SC.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Yeah, what’s that stand for? S*** c***?

JOHN RAU: It stands, my friend, for Senior Counsel. I’ve taken silk.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Right, well… make sure you put it back where you got it from. We’ve had enough trouble lately, what with f***face potty-mouth here making the national press and Susan telling parliament she hasn’t even read her own department’s review.

SUSAN CLOSE: It was written before I got here! You’re living in the past, man. Stop living in the past.

JAY WEATHERILL: I think it would have been helpful if you’d read it, given it dealt with the suitability of your own employees to do their job. Which is working with vulnerable children.

SUSAN CLOSE: Yeah, but it was really long! It had so many pages. And really small writing. And it was written in such turgid, bureaucratic prose. I just couldn’t even.

IAN HUNTER: F*** all this. Where’s my ice-cream?

JAY WEATHERILL: What ice-cream?

IAN HUNTER: I specifically told your underling to bring me an ice-cream for this meeting, now WHERE THE F*** IS MY F***ING ICE-CREAM?!

An underling enters with a stick of Connoisseur.

IAN HUNTER: What the f*** is this, Burf, you c***? Belgian Chocolate Fudge with Roasted Hazelnut? I told you I wanted Murray River Salted Caramel with Macadamia!

UNDERLING: They were all out. This was all they had left.

IAN HUNTER: (red-faced) YOU PROMISED ME MURRAY RIVER SALTED CARAMEL! I WILL NOT LET YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE ON THE MURRAY RIVER SALTED CARAMEL! YOU F***ING C***! F*** YOU ALL!

JAY WEATHERILL: Look, everyone calm down. This is obviously a robust discussion in which a number of matters have been raised. You and Burf obviously share different views.

IAN HUNTER: He’s a c***.

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, regardless. I need you to stay focussed. Bloody Marshall was in Canberra the other day making mileage out of the Basin plan. That’s supposed to be my issue!

IAN HUNTER: Marshall’s a useless c***head. Empty words and photo opportunities won’t deliver the Basin plan. Only calling people ‘c***s’ can achieve that.

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, on that point… I think we all have to tone down the conversational swearing. People are starting to talk.

JOHN RAU: I take it that was addressed to the rest of these silkless cretins. An SC would never use conversational swearing.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: You should give it a go, John, it’s f***in’ great.

JOHN RAU: Give it a go, eh? Oh very well. Bugger off, you… fornicating… naughty bits. Look, I’m sorry, I’m just not getting this.

JAY WEATHERILL: Look, shall we just get on with the meeting?

IAN HUNTER: (Through mouthfuls of his Belgian Chocolate Fudge with Roasted Hazelnut ice-cream) I thought we were.

JAY WEATHERILL: I mean the actual agenda, the ‘governing’ stuff. Remember all those great things we were going to do? Olympic Dam, Gillman, reforming child protection… it was going to be so bold. And instead we got…

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: …Olympic Dam, Gillman and child protection.

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, somebody must have something worth discussing.

JOHN RAU: I’ve got a few appointments to the Supreme Court I need to sign off on, but first I really want cabinet to discuss this proposal for extra funding for a new Supreme Court precinct.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Get. F***ed.

JAY WEATHERILL: No, that’s great! That’s a very worthy piece of infrastructure. Let’s discuss it.

JOHN RAU: Before we do, I should note that as a newly-appointed Senior Counsel it might be inappropriate for me to lobby directly for funding for such a proposal. After all, as the great George Bernard Shaw would say, a government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. So I am going to absent myself from this part of the meeting.

IAN HUNTER: Tell that s***sack Burf to bring me another ice-cream while you’re out there.

JOHN RAU: (to himself) There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

JAY WEATHERILL: Right. In John’s absence, is there anyone who can put a case for the Supreme Court upgrade?

Silence.

No? Right, well, so much for that then.

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Are you a bunch of useless c***s or what?

JAY WEATHERILL: Well, let’s get John back in here and get on. What’s next on the agenda?

SUSAN CLOSE: I haven’t read the agenda. I can’t spend my time worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.

JOHN RAU: (returning) That’s because you see things and say ‘Why?’, whereas I dream things that never were, and say ‘Why not?’

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Yeah? Well, why not get a f***ing broom and go down onto Vic Square and do something useful and sweep the leaves for me, c***!

JAY WEATHERILL: (checking agenda) Aha. Ministerial standards!

IAN HUNTER: F***.

JAY WEATHERILL: I really want my Premiership to be remembered for raising the tone and esteem of politics in this state, and lifting the quality of public discourse. Any thoughts?

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: Why the f*** would you want to do that?

IAN HUNTER: Because he thinks it’ll be popular, you stupid c***.

JAY WEATHERILL: Look, I’m not sure we’re getting anywhere today. Why don’t we take up this question of political standards at tomorrow’s caucus meeting?

JOHN RAU: The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

JAY WEATHERILL: That’s enough out of you, Silkworm. Reconvene tomorrow – are we agreed?

TOM KOUTSANTONIS: F*** yeah.

JAY WEATHERILL: Right then, meeting adjourned. See you tomorrow everyone.

IAN HUNTER: See you next Tuesday.

Tom Richardson is a senior reporter at InDaily. The above account is entirely fictional, and any passing reference to actual conversations entirely accidental. Well, mostly.