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Richardson: Distill, my beating heart

May 29, 2015
A stock image used in the Liberals' "Distilled Spirits Discussion Paper"

A stock image used in the Liberals' "Distilled Spirits Discussion Paper"

With half the cabinet, and seemingly half the state, away in China this week, the State Liberals have seized the public policy agenda with a discussion paper into the Australian distilled spirits industry.

The conversation will culminate in an “Australian Distilled Spirits Forum”, hosted by Upper House Liberal leader David Ridgway.

This is how it may well proceed.

Ridgey and Steven Marshall sit around a table.

Ridgey: Right-ho. I now declare this round-table open. Where’s the first bottle?

Steven Marshall (passing him a bottle): Here you go, Ridgey. This one looks fabulous.

Ridgey: Hang on, what’s this?

Marshall: I think that’s the bottle cap …?

Ridgey: Well, that’s a substantial barrier to entry. This inquiry is all about removing barriers to entry for distilled spirits.

(He removes the barrier to entry.)

Right. What this forum is also about is understanding the supply chain and identifying where gaps may exist. Points to an empty glass. What’s that?

Marshall: A gap in the supply chain?

Ridgey: Correct. And as Liberals, it’s our job to close that supply gap.

(He closes the gap in the supply chain, and then he closes the gap in Marshall’s supply chain.)

Marshall: Whoa. That’s got a bit of a kick to it.

Ridgey points at him: That’s good. That’s very good. This forum is designed to educate key decision-makers and regulators about the potential of the distilled spirits industry.

Marshall: And I’m a key decision-maker!

Ridgey: Exactly.

Marshall: Well then, you’d better enlighten me further.

(He passes Ridgey another bottle. Ridgey removes the barrier to entry and closes the supply gap. Much more education ensues…)

Ridgey: You know, Steven … you know … Australia’s distilled spirits industry has a really exciting future ahead.

Marshall: Much like us, Ridgey, old mate. I’ve got a feeling that 2018 will be our year.

Ridgey: It will, Steve, it will.

Marshall: Why doesn’t Tony like us though? And Mathias?

Ridgey: They like you, mate. Everybody likes you.

Marshall: But Tony introduced me at our election launch by saying bloody Matt Williams was his favourite South Australian Liberal. Matt Williams! And why do they always say nasty things about South Australia? Are they trying to ruin us?

Ridgey: Not at all, they’re geniuses. Absolute masterminds. I’m sure there’s a brilliant strategy there somewhere.

Marshall: Well, what is it …?

(Long silence.)

Ridgey: Well, that seemed to kill off the conversation. Let’s open another one. This discussion paper provides an excellent starting point for conversations.

(Another long silence.)

Marshall: I wish I was in China …

Ridgey: Me too.

Marshall: Bloody Hamilton-Smith got to go to China. Come to think of it, he went to China with the Government even when he was still in Opposition.

Ridgey: And when he came back he joined the Government.

Marshall: I wish I could join the Government.

Ridgey: You know, Steven, old mate … you and I, we came along at the wrong time. We should have been in politics years ago.

Marshall: You mean the Playford era?

Ridgey: No, in 1874.

Marshall: What happened in 1874?

Ridgey: That was when we had a Royal Commission into the alcoholic strength of South Australian wines. I could have chaired that. I’d have been great.

Marshall (removing another barrier to entry): Cheers.

Tom Richardson is a senior journalist at InDaily. His political column is published on Fridays.

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