Today, The Outsider resigns to spend more time with his family.

Take this job and shove it

After two years of pointing out this town’s flaws, revealing the bits and pieces the political class doesn’t want brought to light, and generally annoying people, I’ve decided to call it quits.

To be perfectly clear, I need to spend more time with my family. To reconnect. To discover myself again.

It has nothing – nothing! – to do with last week’s self unfulfilling prophesy, which I put down to a spiked organic G&T passed to be me at a bespoke pop-up small bar at a recently envibrantised, crowd-funded, place-made, start-up, shared workspace hub. In a laneway.

So here are my final offerings. I may be back. Or I may not.

As the immortal Paul Kelly (the Murdoch columnist, not the songwriter) put it – only one thing is certain; only time will tell.

Once more into the breach

One of my favourite activities has been rooting out hypocrisy and irony (the latter of which is, in my view, the defining characteristic of the universe).

In my time writing this column, I’ve seen few more piquant examples of ironic bureaucracy than this one.

The State Government is implacably, absolutely and completely opposed to the cheeky chaps at Uber bringing their “Uber X” service to South Australia.

This is an app-based service that, in other jurisdictions, links up people needing a ride with average Joes and their average cars. The punter gets a ride, and the driver gets some dough.

According to the Government, this is incredibly dangerous, dodgy and won’t be countenanced. How could you accept a lift from a stranger without the proper checks, balances, clearances and veritable pageants of redtape?

However, in a hysterically ironic parallel move, the state’s Transport Department is promoting a service that is almost indistinguishable from Uber X.

Here’s how they describe it. You be the hanging judge:

“Adelaide Carpool is a free, web based service for city based organisations that want to support their staff to share their drive to work. Adelaide Carpool is a joint initiative of the Department of Planning, Transport and Infrastructure and Adelaide City Council and is open to selected workplaces in the Adelaide CBD.

“It is for anyone who wants to save money, share their drive and reduce their carbon footprint while travelling to work. It takes two minutes to join and then you will be matched with other people who live close by or are travelling in the same direction.”

The website’s FAQ even has this mind-blowing question and answer:

“What duty of care or OHS&W considerations are there for a workplace?

“Very few.  The Terms and Conditions of the Adelaide Carpool program state that ‘travel between your normal place of work and residence is considered personal travel’.”

Very few. Love it.

Kevin’s greatest hits

Coincidentally, InDaily’s unflappable business editor Kevin Naughton left this publication on Thursday. Coincidentally.

Naughton, known in the office as “the man who launched a thousand complaints from Tom Koutsantonis“, is joining Martin Hamilton-Smith’s office as his chief-of-staff, and thus will rub shoulders with many of those he has held rigorously to account over his years at InDaily.

Sounds like fun.

Naughts has written many hot yarns and broken many stories. But one of his greatest talents has been the capacity to elicit great quotes from people who, perhaps, should have known better.

Here are a few of our favourites.

Deputy Premier John Rau on WorkCover:

“It’s buggered.”

Real estate agent Phil Harris on whether former PM Julia Gillard had bought a home in Adelaide:

“I cannot confirm or deny, but yes.”

Businessman Colin “The Ox” Oxlade, who has been associated with corporate failures including Greenlink Energy, Palamedia, AustraliaLiveTv, Essence Recruiting, Stiffdick.com, Brainytoys and Vanilla Management and Investment Group:

“The trouble with you bastards is that you don’t get it – you don’t know what a start up is.”

And Naughton himself on why the historic Adelaide Oval scoreboard should be pulled down as part of the Oval’s revamp:

“When the new structures are completed in 2014, the old scoreboard will look like an outdoor dunny at a newly-renovated house.”

Our most commented upon snippet

Plenty of our scuttlebutt has attracted widespread attention, such as the story of the cross-party lovers in Parliament, and tales of pollies swimming in Don Farrell’s pool in their undies (not the Don himself mind you).

But none of our offerings has quite captured the Adelaide imagination as much as the following list, first published in April 2013 under the title:

What makes Adelaide’s drivers so special?

Is it our insouciance when it comes to traditional road rules? Is it a strong sense of personal ownership of our wide, vacant, streets? It’s both of these things and more.

If you’re new to Adelaide, or simply want to brush up on your technique, here’s The Outsider’s inaugural top list of Adelaide signature driving moves.

10. The indicator fake-out: Indicate left, and then turn right. Or vice-versa. As an alternative, indicate right just as you leave a roundabout – that’s akin to posing a philosophical question to the driver behind you.

9. Slow, fast, slow: This works particularly well on the Southern Expressway. Drive 5km under the limit in the left-hand lane. When someone overtakes you, speed up and overtake them. Then slow down again.

8. Not looking, not looking: You’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and you notice someone wanting to turn from a side road into the stream of cars. Don’t give them eye contact. If you do, they will expect you to leave a gap and let them in.

7. Delayed gear change: You’re waiting at the lights scratching your itchy spots and adjusting your radio. The lights change to green – now’s the time for a leisurely shift back into 1st gear, and not a moment before.

6. The “no reverse park” rule: On a busy road, no-one is allowed to reverse park. If someone attempts this, stop immediately behind them so they can’t access the gap. Emphasise the rule by beeping your horn.

5. Walkies: In a multi-level car park, the sight of someone carrying shopping is the signal for you to stop immediately and wait. It doesn’t matter if there are 10 cars behind you or how long it takes for the person to find and load their car – you could be about to get the greatest park of your life.

4. The close shave: After overtaking someone on the South-Eastern Freeway, move back into the left-hand lane as quickly as possible. You should ideally be close enough so that the person you have overtaken can see the facial detail of the characters in your “My Family” stickers.

3. Accelerate now: If someone is driving in front of you in the right-hand lane of a multi-lane road, you are allowed to drive as close to their bumper as possible.

2. Helping by herding: Very old people and Learner drivers need to be “herded” along our wide roads. If you see a very old person or a Learner, drive as closely as possible to their bumper to encourage them on their way.

1. The “no merge” rule: Similar to the “no reverse park” rule but more strictly enforced. No-one is allowed to simply merge with the traffic – that would be queue jumping. If you notice a driver attempting to merge, adjust your speed to force them to stop.

Editor’s note

While it is sad that The Outsider will no longer be delivering dispatches to us every Friday morning in a brown paper envelope, we will be offering a new column starting next Friday.

InDaily’s ‘Media Week’ will cover South Australia’s media industry – digital, print, radio and television – as well as the largely unreported, but influential, realms of marketing, advertising and PR.

The state’s media consumption tells us a lot about ourselves, so we’ll analyse ratings and audience behaviour. We’ll have some fun with bloopers and blunders (including our own).

We’ll also unpack the messages we’re being delivered – and unveil the messengers. Who are they, and what are their agendas?

A key reason for the change is this question: if InDaily doesn’t report on the media – who will?